


Extinction Parody

by Warp5Complex_Archivist



Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: Alternate Universe, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-04-10
Updated: 2006-04-10
Packaged: 2018-08-16 06:23:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8090980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Warp5Complex_Archivist/pseuds/Warp5Complex_Archivist
Summary: Parody of Extinction. Ridged for your pleasure.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Kylie Lee, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Warp 5 Complex](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Warp_5_Complex), the software of which ceased to be maintained and created a security hazard. To make future maintenance and archive growth easier, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but I may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Warp 5 Complex collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/Warp5Complex).

  
Author's notes: This is long. Hope it's funny. This parody was written before the Raijin one.   


* * *

Alien: Sweet! I get a part in the opening of the show.

Bad guys: Letâ€™s Krispy KrÃ¨me him!

Alien: Ahhhh! This wasnâ€™t in my contract!

Trip: Knock. Knock.

Tâ€™Pol (rolls eyes): Whose there?

Trip: Me sweet cheeks!

Tâ€™Pol groans and mumbles under her breath: And people wonder why I start using drugs in a few episodes.

Trip: Whatâ€™d you say?

Tâ€™Pol: Nothing. I suppose youâ€™re here for another gratuitous T&A scene to treat your insomnia. 

Trip: Yup! And I brought refreshments. 

Tâ€™Pol: Alcohol?

Trip: No. Are you trying to say you need to get drunk to stand feeling me up?

Tâ€™Pol whistles to self and looks up at the ceiling. Trip shoves a peach in her face.

Tâ€™Pol: I guess Iâ€™ll eat this just so Phlox can get my DNA sample later and save the day. You think he would have it already.

Trip: Donâ€™t ask me. Iâ€™m just here to take my shirt off.

Tâ€™Pol: Please donâ€™t. Youâ€™re so pasty. 

Trip: Sorry darlinâ€™ itâ€™s in the script.

Tâ€™Pol checks script: @*#&$! Letâ€™s get this over with before I start thinking about how great my character was before neuropressure.

Archer over intercom: Tâ€™Pol, could you join me in the command center?

Tâ€™Pol: Yes!

Archer: Okayâ€¦ see you there. 

A few seconds later in the Command centerâ€¦

Archer: My, you got here fast.

Tâ€™Pol: Thank you for calling me.

Archer: No problem.

Tâ€™Pol: Could you call me five minutes earlier next time? 

Archer: Sure thing. To return the favor you can go down to this planet with me, Malcolm, and Hoshi.

Tâ€™Pol: Whatâ€™s in it for me?

Archer: You get to play my girlfriend while Iâ€™m an alien. And you get to eat grubs.

Tâ€™Pol: Bring the ketchup, and Iâ€™ll bring my white catsuit.

Archer: Sweet!

On the planet.

Hoshi: Shouldnâ€™t we be in environmental suits?

Archer: Donâ€™t think too much Ensign. This episode will hurt your brain.

Tâ€™Pol: Oh no, my skin is getting all blotchy. And Iâ€™m growing ridges!

Malcolm: Aggh!

Inside of Malcolmâ€™s body: Akkk!

Tâ€™Pol: Oh no you all have been transformed within seconds into an alien species!

On Enterpriseâ€¦

Travis: Iâ€™ve got the bridge. Iâ€™ve got the bridge. Iâ€™ve got the bridge. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Tâ€™Pol: Travis get me out of here! Gack! Impossible scienceâ€¦ brainâ€¦ explodingâ€¦

Travis: Now you need me? What about all the times I needed any of you to notice I was alive. To engage me in conversation. To hold my hand. What about my needs? 

Tâ€™Pol: Stop it! Youâ€™re starting to sound like Trip will in Season 4!

Travis: Well at least he gets lines and gets felt up every night! What about me!?!

Tâ€™Pol (crosses fingers): If you get us out of here, Iâ€™ll make sure you get lines.

Travis: I get lines. I get lines. I get lines. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Back on the surface.

Malcolm: Look at me! I can climb a tree! *falls* Oof!

Archer: Show off! Iâ€™m the real alpha male here. (To Tâ€™Pol) Hey baby, want to go to Irquat with us? They have the best parties on the planet there.

Hoshi: I donâ€™t trust her. Sheâ€™s wearing white after Labor Day.

Hoshi jumps Tâ€™Pol.

Malcolm: And theyâ€™re off! Hoshi is in the early lead with a stranglehold on Tâ€™Pol. But Tâ€™Pol is not out of this fight yet, she wrestles Hoshi to the ground. Hoshi gets back into the fight with an impressive move. Tâ€™Pol keeps her pinned down. They are choking neck and neck until Hoshi throws Tâ€™Pol to the ground, and sheâ€™s out cold! 

Archer: You hurt my girlfriend! Now weâ€™re going to have to carry her in that net laying over there!

Hoshi: Why are you bringing her? Donâ€™t you love me?

Archer: Donâ€™t be dense! Only men in the Mirror Universe notice you.

Laterâ€¦

Archer and Malcolm carry an unconscious Tâ€™Pol in the net. 

All: Hi ho. Hi ho. Itâ€™s off to Irquat we go. Whistling. Hi ho. Hi ho.

Archer: Letâ€™s lay her down here.

Malcolm: Can we poke her with a stick?

Archer: No. Iâ€™ll just feel her up a bit before she wakes up.

Tâ€™Pol: Mmmm... lowerâ€¦. yesâ€¦ right thereâ€¦ mmmmâ€¦. Huh? What? Captain?

Archer: Hey baby. Want to see my other ridges?

Tâ€™Pol: Yes, but can we lose the other two. Iâ€™m not into other people watching.

Archer: How about just a kiss? Give me some sugar honey!

Meanwhile on the shipâ€¦

Phlox: Iâ€™m sorry, I canâ€™t help them until the episode is almost over. You know the rules.

Trip: Sigh, what do we do until then? I canâ€™t sleep without Tâ€™Pol feeling me up first.

Phlox: I could feel you up.

Trip: Ummâ€¦ no.

Phlox: Your loss. I would have thrown in a rose petal bath.

Travis: Ooh, can I have one? Can I? Can I?

Trip: Down Travis!

On the planet.

Archer: Ooh, a scanner. Bright lights! And it makes noises too!

Hoshi: Arenâ€™t you forgetting about something?

Archer: Like having wild jungle sex with Tâ€™Pol before we return to the ship?

Malcolm: Irquat?

Tâ€™Pol: Come with me Jonathan. Forget about Irquat. You know the writers wonâ€™t let us get nasty in any other episode.

Archer strokes her face: You do have a good point. The only time I got to first base with you was in a dream.

Malcolm: Donâ€™t run off with him. He canâ€™t find grubs like I can.

Hoshi: Hello? Am I invisible? What do I have to do to get attention around here?

Malcolm: Dress in a midriff uniform?

Archer: He may be able to find grubs, but I can kick his butt and steal them. Have a bite my precious. They taste like chicken.

Trip: Weâ€™re here to rescue you.

Archer: I donâ€™t want to be rescued! Tâ€™Pol and I havenâ€™t had our sex scene yet! Donâ€™t come back until I have grass burns!

Trip: Okay, but weâ€™re taking Malcolm so that we can wrap this episode up.

Archer: Fine with me. Heâ€™s trying to get a piece of my woman.

Malcolm in decon: Waaaa! I was this close to getting under her catsuit!

Bad guy: We will kill all of your infected crew!

Trip: Yawn. Come on, couldnâ€™t you make a better threat than that?

Bad guy: Hey, Iâ€™m trying here! I havenâ€™t had a chance to practice on anyone in a while. Can we start over again?

Trip: No. It doesnâ€™t work that way.

Bad guys: You donâ€™t need to get all pissy with me. 

Trip: Sorry. I havenâ€™t been sleeping well lately.

Bad guy: And I care because?

Trip: Dang. That sympathy ploy usually works on anyone.

On the planet.

Archer: Finally weâ€™re at Irquat. 

Real Archer: Hey there. See how good you look without prosthetic makeup. 

Archer: Yeah, but Tâ€™Pol is wild about my ridges! 

In sickbay.

Phlox: As you can see, when we played Harbinger over and over again to Mr. Reed, it cured him.

Bad guy: You think this will work on anyone?

Phlox: Certainly. That episode sucks so hard that it collapses in upon itself and nothing can escape the gravitational pull of its suckiness. The Irquat gene was sucked right into it.

Trip: Wait. How did Malcolm not get sucked in too?

Phlox: Simple. I super glued him to the wall. 

Malcolm: A little help here?

Archer: Irquat! Oh no! Where are the keggers? The all night strip joints? The brothels? The giant phallic symbols? Irquat is gone!

Tâ€™Pol: Thatâ€™s not the only problem. Some guys in funny looking suits are here to toast you.

Archer: No! Iâ€™m going to choke you for saying that!

Tâ€™Pol: Why?

Archer: Just think of it as early payback for Impulse.

Hoshi: Letâ€™s get medieval on their buttocks!

Zap! Pow! Bang! Thwack!

Archer: Tâ€™Pol, you look so sexy with a big gun in your hand.

Tâ€™Pol: Donâ€™t you dare shoot him! We havenâ€™t yet done it on the grass, over a rock, against a tree, or in the cave!

Bad guys: Sorry Tâ€™Pol. Weâ€™re T/T â€˜shippers.

Archer: Damn! Iâ€™m never going to get laid.

On the shipâ€¦

Trip: Prepare for fire fight!

Travis: Preparing for fire fight!

Trip: Commence fire fight!

Travis: Commencing fire fight!

Trip: Stop repeating what I say!

Travis: Stopping repeating what you say!

Archer: Open a channel to the other ship.

Bad guy: What do you want?

Archer: I just want to show you that except for these butt crack shaped ridges on my head that Iâ€™m fine.

Bad guy: We know you would be. Youâ€™re Super Archer.

Archer: Youâ€™re from the planet Trekbbs arenâ€™t you?

Bad guy: How did you know?

In sickbay.

Phlox: Here is the vial of Irquat DNA.

Archer: Keep it for safe keeping. In case I ever need ridges, I mean, it.

Phlox: Okay. Iâ€™ll keep it in this small box with no locking mechanism. Itâ€™ll be safe there.


End file.
